Just 10 days after Ramsey died, Max (9 at the time) was supposed to travel to ID with another family for a hockey tournament. It was winter, the roads weren’t great & I had a freak out. I remember such a need to have ALL my family close. Worse case scenarios were crossing my mind & I couldn’t cope. Not just with Max & this tournament but with my kids & hubby all day, everyday. I somehow thought if they were by me, near me or within a certain vicinity they were safe & wouldn’t die. The fear of losing another family member was real & in control of me. This went on for a long time (at least a year) and I’d struggle with bouts of that fear on occasion depending on the circumstance.
Fast forward to Dec 2016. We’ve been parenting for 5 years without Ramsey & in a lot of ways have resumed to being “normal” parents. Until Dec. 31 when my teenage son’s car wasn’t where it was supposed to be. Panic so great I could barely breathe. I allowed myself to actually imagine having to live without him. (Tears alone in my bathroom until he returned my text) Never mind the fact he’s 17 & could of been lying about his whereabouts (he wasn’t) I immediately reverted to the days when Ramsey had died. I tried to tell him that he is my heart, walking on the outside of my body. That because of what we’ve been through I am cra cra about knowing he’s safe. He responded so sweetly & apologized for the scare but then I felt guilty for bringing him into it. Should he really carry my unrealistic fear around?
Here’s the latest exchange we had when I was worried he hadn’t checked in. Believe it or not, I am not a helicopter mom. I am a “you have to come home safe to me or I will die” mom. I give them room to breathe, experience teenage life & trust me when I say we listen to their words & encourage their own opinions. BUT- after loss this is what I struggle with. We (babyloss families) might appear normal in the years following a loss, but we are forever changed. Little things like a teenager not checking in, send us into panic. Not because they might be being naughty, but because they HAVE to come home safely.
I know all of you will not understand. That’s ok. I really don’t want you too. I do want you to know that everyday is a fight for something since I laid my sweet girl in the cold hard ground.
I fight fear with scripture because I KNOW it to be true. The words Christ laid out for me, I must trust are true.